“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind. Yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers.”
When I look back at this particular time in my life that I write to you about I stop and have to acknowledge that it is perhaps one of the darkest places that my soul has ever visited. The darkest. Darkness that I never asked for, or maybe I did before I came to this green rock in some form of a karmic agreement. It literally felt like I was in a hurricane that just kept coming. So I can safely tell you to be careful of whom you allow into your life because you just never know, and when the dust settles a part of you will be gone and a part of them will stay.
It was the Spring of 1976 and I was at a new school. A public school, which was new for me. We had landed in the seaside town of Palos Verdes from our move from Santa Barbara in 1971. It was a difficult time as dad had lost his job yet again in aerospace and money was tight. My mother pulled all of our high society trappings and now we were just townies like the poorer kids in the beach cities as she called them.
I had started modeling in 5th grade probably because I was tall and lanky and maybe a little greedy. It wasn’t all the time just once in a while when I needed an influx. I wasn’t selected all the time, there was no shortage of beautiful girls at the agency but it was enough to do things like buy surfboards and ride horses. It helped me with my self-esteem because outwardly I felt kind of homely and common. I was always more involved with my interior, my soul, but that’s not how society works. When I looked at the photographs I didn’t even recognize the girl, even though it was me.
We rode the bus now instead of being picked up by the tony private school bus. Now it was a 30 year old roadie bus ride 25 minutes to the Estates. Packed with bullies my anxiety was through the roof and knew I would have to defend myself and probably have to protect others. I missed Marymount. I missed going to mass three times a week, the clean asphalt and I even missed Sister Deminca, my arch nemesis who I credit with giving me my sense of justice. But this I where I met Lori. I had seen her a few times at the horse stables and she sat alone like I did. One day we struck up a conversation and would talk each morning and on the way home. When Lori got off the bus she went to a different building that was not part of the main campus. It was called the “Continuation” school. A lot of the troubled kids went there. I was in mostly honors classes and didn’t personally know any of the kids that attended classes there. School was my refuge, my stability. Things were about to change again and this time it would happen through my deep foundation of education.
My hands were bleeding hard that day. It seemed that whenever I had one of my visions or I was in the presence of tragedy or evil this happened. The stigmata had been present since I was about five and had been mostly intermittent and reactionary. Thank God. But it was another thing that I had to cover up, to hide because they were always big questions about it and when I tried to explain people stayed away or felt sorry for me.
I screamed out loud to God “Stop bringing these types of people to me!” ” Cut your crap!!!!”. What I really wanted was for these visions or prophecies to stop. I didn’t even have to be normal, I just wanted this line to the other side to be cut-for good.
That night I felt and eerie sense of doom come over me. The atmosphere in the home was very thick and dense. Honestly I never broke the rules my parents set down. Mom had back issues and dad was not always stable and I didn’t have the heart to deceive them, but I had to go out to meet Lori. I knew that this would mean I would lose the only friend I had in school and probably be the scandal of the neighborhood, again, but I didn’t care.
I told dad that I wasn’t feeling well and was going to turn in early. Dad didn’t like Lori or her friends. I didn’t like Lori’s friends but I liked Lori. She was genuine and had helped me overcome my fears of meeting new friends at school. But she was a drug user and drank. Things I had never done. She also shoplifted and broke into peoples homes in PV and fleeced the families. She didn’t need to do this as her father was an anesthesiologist. I think she was addicted to danger and she was kind of an outlaw. She was also very promiscuous and when she would tell me her stories about her romantic escapades I was a little aghast. I hated to judge her but I couldn’t help it. I had no idea how she coped on an emotional level. She was out of control. She had mentioned to me that she couldn’t acknowledge me on campus because I was a goodie-goodie. Little did she know I occasionally shoplifted and drove my moms station wagon around town, had done so since I was twelve. But she was a stoner and I was an old soul who didn’t have an impulsive bone in my body. I had really never known anyone like her, someone who did these things on a daily basis. I had known of them, but my dad had warned me when I started public school to stay away from the trashy kids as he called them which was laughable in Palos Verdes. Having a former Army Ranger and cop for a dad did have its influences. At least he cared. I wouldn’t have gotten involved in such things but there was another layer here. I knew Lori might die if I did try and prevent her from getting into that car.
I snuck out of the house and walked down to the park where Lori had said I could meet them As I walked down the driveway I saw Lori’s fathers car drive past me. It was too late. They were headed towards Palos Verdes Drive North, to the Point. I had no way to reach her. I thought about calling her dad but I was too scared. I walked home in the fog, snuck back into my room and crawled into bed.
I woke up the following morning drowsy and feeling like I was outside of my body. I felt a burning hot feeling on the back of my arm. I walked into the bathroom and turned my arm around and saw what looked to be something like claw marks. ” What the heck”. More markings on my body. It seemed to me that each time something supernatural happened I received these markings. As I walked into the kitchen mom had made pancakes and the house felt warm. My dad and sister came into the room and said ” Lori died last night”. “No!!!!” “God no!!’. I ran out of the house. I started screaming into the wind and running and just kept running until I reached the canyon. I headed into the ridge and fell to my knees and laid down in the brush. I felt a couple of cactus needles jam into my knee. I had never felt pain like this before. I felt the sun begin to heat up and my olive skin began to sizzle. Dumb bitch got in the car and went over the cliff after I told her not to. I felt like a failure and then blacked out.
That night I let the hot tears flow. I had failed, again. I did not understand why I was having these visions but for those I felt I was to help were either unwilling or unable to receive my help. These gifts baffled me. The burning continued on the back of my right arm. I got up and walked into the bathroom and see if it had dissipated. It actually looked even more inflamed. It occurred to me that the diabolical might somehow be involved in this. I knew “they” had a role in this somehow. Almost as if they were involving me on purpose or trying to make me despair. I knew it. Things were starting to make sense now and I knew something was trying to hurt those around me. It was then that I realized I needed to be alone or at the very least stay away from broken people and dangerous visions.
I have always minimized any personal trauma that I have experienced mainly in fear of appearing weak as I knew I was causing my family to be alarmed and I was so scared of being abandoned. Mom had told me that I frightened her, that I was strange and a burden. Yeah, I knew these things. Nevertheless I have always had a deep, piercing belief that I can handle anything, that I will be fine whatever happens but I also always think of every possible scenario including and especially the worst ones just to be one step ahead and the Universe knows it.
